The free world

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggghhh

2006-02-08T18:11:00.000+01:00

Aaaaargh, i haaaate guys. blah, why do they all go crazy... sooner or later?
C'mon, stay in Sweden, you're not welcome here, I dont want you all up in my business....
I still love you, but pleeeeease keep your early 30-year-old crisis away from me. Thanks.
I'll be going now...

Bracing myself...

2006-02-01T00:14:00.000+01:00

So today I'm going to have let my flirt/fling/whatever (the cheating BASTARD) know that:

he can no longer have me when he so pleases,
he can't go on playing with me,
no longer am i letting him toy with my heart,
i've let him into my heart my mind my life while i get no space in neither of his,
we're through,
he's hurt me,
i will still be living my life & enjoying it and Paris but that there's no space for him,
he can "va à l'enfer",
i'll get over him,
i'll forget all about him,
i'm through with him being reckless with my heart,
one day he'll get caught redhanded (with mistress no 111000?),
but that won't be with me,
i'm not going to piss on him if he's caught on fire,
i never wanna see him again.

All of this I NEED to tell him, because he's taken up far too much space in my heart, while giving me none of his, and also cause i once promised to "Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours" (go read the lyrics to Baz Luhrman's Everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)!), and that he is.

I'm gonna have to be able to say this while knowing that I want him to touch me and kiss me...

Well, atleast it won't be as hard as it was with my ex who I still loved, and who i knew loved me.
Au revoir JG. Or maybe it's Adieu?

Tell me a story
Where we all change
And we'd live our lives together
And not enstranged

I didn't lose my mind it was
Mine to give away
Couldn't stay to watch me cry
You didn't have the time
So I softly slip away...

No regrets / they don't work
No regrets / they only hurt
Sing me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine

I know from the outside
We looked good for eachother
Felt things were going wrong
When you didn't like my mother

I don't want to hate but that's
All you've left me with
A bitter aftertaste and a fantasy of
How we all could live

No regrets / they don't work
No regrets / they only hurt
(We've been told you stay up late)
I know they're still talking
(You're far too short to carry weight)
The demons in your head
(Return the videos they're late)
If I could just stop hating you
(Goodbye)
I'd feel sorry for us instead

Remember the photographs (insane)
The ones where we all laugh (so lame)
We were having the time of our lives
Well thank you it was a real blast

No regrets / they don't work
No regrets / they only hurt
Write me a love song
Drop me a line
Suppose it's just a point of view
But they tell me I'm doing fine

Everything I wanted to be every
Time I walked away
Everytime you told me to leave
I just wanted to stay
Every time you looked at me and
Everytime you smiled
I felt so vacant you treat me like a child
I loved the way we used to laugh
I loved the way we used to smile
Often I sit down and think of you
For a while
Then it passes by me and I think of
Someone else instead
I guess the love we once had is
Officially dead

Smoking kills but...

2006-01-30T12:37:00.000+01:00

Only love will break your heart.

The downside of sneaking

2006-01-28T21:43:00.000+01:00

Is that sometimes you, well, have to be able to stand "restricted movement". Blech @ his friend, who knows his gf, has his fucking birthday today. ain't that just a shame boy, now you aint gettin' to see the new shirt i bought, hah! And i'm stuck here, cuz the last showing of The Libertine is in 10 minutes. Ah well, I'll just open a bottle of wine and please myself...

and eeeek, in the txt he sent he wrote that it's acquaintances of his FIANCEE. FFS, dont say he's engaged. Meh, i don't think he is, but yeah, a ring you can always take off.... And I'm too far gone to really care, if he was married or had kids he would be gone faster than you can say "va te faire foutre" (go fuck yourself in french...).

Speciality: Drama

2006-01-27T09:58:00.000+01:00

I think I should be an actress, 'cause there's getting to be as much drama in my life as in a 2 - hour movie.
Blech. Well it isn't so bad now, and still no guilty conciensce, but still, these kinds of things always ends badly, don't they?

And LOL @ my old "never mess with a MARRIED man, too much trouble and too much drama". Look where i wound up. Ah well, he's not married, yet....

Guys guys guys...

2005-12-23T01:24:00.000+01:00

Oh boy. I dunno what to say.... and that's not often for me.
So, I just (as in 10 min ago) came back from a date, im slightly tipsy (read: drunk) so pls excuse mistakes...
I met this guy three weeks ago, then this past weekend we kissed at a disco, exchanged numbers, he called, and today we had a date. or well, i thought it was a "date".
Where should i start. lets do it with a chock just like it started for me.

He has a girlfriend since 2.5 years, she lives in the U.K. He lives here. (he kissed me first).
I stayed and had dinner with him, after learning abt his gf (i do think he was honest when he said he thought i knew abt him having a gf), cause i was curious to know his "explanation" (cause for me kissing is well, cheating, if youre with someone else). but i did think abt just turning right around and go home when i heard him say that he bought this gift for his GIRLFRIEND.

so we had dinner and talked and talked and talked, and i KNEW he was still attracted to me, i could see it and feel it... but yes, it was a veeeeerrrry interesting conversation, LOL.

Anyways, let's get to the interesting parts..., after having had our dinner, we decided to go to a bar and get another drink (i had one kir before seeing him, 2 glasses of red wine w him and one kir w him before the bar). we sat down at a table.
and after half an hour we start kissing and kissing and kisssssing....

what has he done? and, what will he do? :(

i know that i havent exactly been a "good" girl (tho u cant blame me for the first time cuz i really didnt know) and that i SHOULD have left (and so i told him), cuz well, he's a cheater and i s'ppose that aint all that good huh? but i still want him, and he obviously wants me (i could hear him moan in my ear, how much more obvious does it get?)

"i'll call you tomorrow....". yeah, and good luck to you too....

Can't sleep so...

2005-11-24T00:31:00.000+01:00

I shall do an update instead... Since some people asked for it ;)

I can't believe it's been almost a month since my birthday, goodness how time flies. I can't really make a list of what I've been doing since then, loads and nothing at all I guess sums it up quite nicely. A friend from Sweden has just left, she was here for a week, that was very nice but not all that troublefree (eventho' i managed to shut up for once! whooo @ me). After a while I had to try SO hard to be polite, all i wanted to do was to shout "do you want some CHEESE with that WHINE??!!". Yep, she did way too much whining for my tase, "i dont wanna eat this or that or that or this...", "my hostel is too shabby", "your room is really small" and yada yada yada. Soz, i'm just venting. But it's annoying as fuck when people go somewhere (especially when it's as gorgeous as it is here!!!) and all they seem to do is complain or say that its better in Sweden or wherever. When in Rome... And yes, I did just whine!

The things I love the most about the city isn't really the huge things, e.g. the Eiffel tower (it's a tower!), but instead the cafés, the bars, the tiny restaurants, the small shops... I adore walking around with nowhere special in mind and with no time to keep and just see where I wind up. I like it how I'm getting better at communicating with people (tho' i must say i do love to speak English...). Wonder how I'll be able to leave, eventho' it's not like I'm bannished from the country...

And I've done some work on my physical appearance: my hair is changed (I almost said it is nomore, LOL). A friend here in the house braided it two weeks ago, she's going to re-do it on Friday (wheeeheee and yippie at 4 hours of getting my hair pulled out... :p), and I quite like it I must say, it's different. And it looks like proper afro when we took some of them out to re-do them. :D The only thing is that it's itching like maaaaaaad, grrrr.

Got an e-mail today, or well, strictly speaking it was yesterday, that I didn't quite want to read. Sure, other people deserve to be happy too (some more than others, :p), but some of them should be happy with me, not that it's possible but still... with meeeeeeee. Yeah I know I'm being unreasonable and selfish and whatnot but so what. But yeah. This Person <33333 (that's how you do it right?!).

And also I'm meeting an old pal this weekend, but I'll guess I'll write about that some other time. Yep, I'm leaving you hanging just like that. Muhahaha.

Good night :D

Twenty-fucking-three

2005-10-27T08:18:00.000+02:00

Well well well, time to feel old again...

One day closer to death, one year closer to retirement, one day to be selfindulged.

Cheers!

Are you man enough?

2005-10-25T22:44:00.000+02:00

(Or, is your bf man enough?)

Oh yeah, that's it. I can tell his religion all the way from here! Yeeha, better get my Kosher Sex book ready. But then again, you don't wanna suport Rabbi Schmuley Schmuck.

That one (the bloke!) actually looks a bit like Right Said Fred. If one career doesn't work out...
Comfywear to go with the bikini wax.

(PS, you can get all the underwear your man needs from www.hunkwear.com )

And then there were happiness…

2005-10-18T14:39:00.000+02:00

So, school started a week ago, and now I’m drowning in books, just like it should be… Well, actually the course isn’t all that demanding, but I quickly realised that I will never get better at French if I settle with such a low amount of work. I’m a good student… ;)
But it ain’t all work and no play, because that makes Karin a dull girl.

The local is in the Marais, Paris’ Jewish quarter, and so I walk there from home four days a week, and tomorrow I begin my phonetics class after lunch. Also there are some lectures on French history, art, cinema, music…
Anyways, I walk north on Boulevard St-Michel (where I live), I cross the seine and walk onto Ile de la Cité, I pass by Notre Dame, the gorgeous church. I take a left and walk north, passing by the Hotel de Ville. Sometimes I stop at a café on the way for a cup of coffee and a cigarette, hanging in the bar with the “real” French. Coffee and cigarettes with the occasional Pain au chocolat, could it be better??!!!

It’s sort of a dream come true, staying here, living here, being here. I’ve planned this for so long, and sometimes it felt like the day would never come, but hah, here I am. All my fears, that I wouldn’t make any friends, that I wouldn’t be able to communicate at all, they have amounted to nothing. Everything isn’t perfect, but like 98% is, the only thing that’s really less than lovable are the Parisians, but I guess they have their charm too.
This is my first time living abroad, but I don’t think it’ll be the last. Never have I seen myself as the kind of person who’s happy merely existing, in the everyday routine, never moving around.

I’m happy.
I’m content.
I never wanna return to Sweden.

I understand why celebrities like Johnny Depp (I haven’t seen him, no *sniff*), Sean Penn etc. (btw, those two, Malkovic and the dude from Simply Red owns a nightclub here), buy houses here. The French seem quite in love with their privacy. Alright that the men stare at women, but in general famous people seem to be left alone. Well, who gives a crap about celebrities anyway?  (ahem, shush). Eventho’ I’ve obviously been guilty of the same thing I do find the obsession weird, and I know how annoying it can be, I hated it when people would come up to my ex when we were having dinner or something. It’s like “leave us the fuck alone, we’re trying to eat here!”, but he was way too polite with all the semi-acquaintances, me would’ve told them to bog off.

Talking about that, he’s coming here on Thursday. We’re meeting up on Friday for lunch at Jules Verne, the restaurant in the Eiffel Tower (wheeeheee, and I hate heights…). Never eaten in a two-star restaurant so that’ll be nice. He will be nice, he always is… *sigh*. See, being away haven’t changed my feelings for him. And yes, I did try “the best way to get over someone is to get someone new over you”, but that didn’t work either. Ah well, it could be worse.
But please wish me luck. No drooling, no drooling, no drooooling. And no “ooooh I loooooove you”. None of that. I must be civilized…

Life is good. So unbelievable good that I’m starting to feel like something is wrong… But there is nothing wrong.

I deserve feeling happy.
I deserve this.

To hell with those who want me to come back, who wonder all the time if I miss them, who seem to want me to be miserable. Just… bog off.
This is my time.

The Michael Jackson urge...

2005-10-07T19:51:00.000+02:00

I thought I had broken the Michael Jackson-addiction, atleast the "omg i wish i could see him for like 5 seconds" part of it... but nope. The urge is still there... even if it's (truthfully) completely controllable.
So, he's in London, and I'm in Paris, two hours by train away, yet i decided this afernoon that no, i am not going, eventho' i have 1)no school yet 2) the time 3)enough money.

still wanna see him tho'.... :|
ey well, i bet he wouldnt come out if i went...

hmph.

Bonjour from Paris!

2005-09-20T15:03:00.000+02:00

Well hello there....
So, I'm finally here and everything is perfect. The city is gorgeous beyond belief, the food deliscious, the wine marvellous... okay okay, I'll stop.

I'm living here, in a studenthome right in the city, by the Luxembourg garden. School doesn't start til the 10th, so i have plenty of time to hang around and just enjoy myself and Paris, and do some things that need to be done, e.g. opening bankaccount, applyling for housing aid, taking tests for school, studying...

A bientôt mes amis, I'm off to the terrace to take a smoke while watching the Eiffeltower.

This may be our last goodbye...

2005-08-19T17:13:00.000+02:00

Soz for not updating for the whole freaking summer....

Anyway...
Today was my last day at work... been working for 9 straight weeks now (a girl has to make her living somehow ya know). And now i've quit, like wooohooo yeah. A bit tearjerking tho', i always get all sentimental when saying goodbye to people. I'll actually miss some of the people who live there and some of my co-workers. Perhaps I'll stay in touch with some of 'em, but maybe not, and then it really is the last goodbye.
My ex is someone else that it almost certainly will be the last one with, it's definitely time for both of us to move on, to let go of eachother completly. I'll miss him, but still it feels okay, perhaps cause my memories of him are so light and fine.

So, Paris in exactly a months time then. I'm starting to get nervous, but I hope, and think, that everything will be alright. It's time to fly.

Innocent

2005-06-14T01:45:00.000+02:00

What can I say?!
Michael did it, Mez did it, the Jury did it, we all did it. We all proved who's right and who's wrong, who's innocent and who's guilty. Truth always prevails, sooner or later, and so it did in this case too. The taste of victory and justice is maddingly sweet, it's got the most wonderful taste. If I believed in God, he would be the one I would praise. Instead I shall take this opportunity to say that sometimes humankind keeps it's promise of the values we have all sworn to uphold: truth, justice, fairness...
This goes to show that the love for money can cause you the severest blows, so to the Arvizos, stolen from Eminem: you better invest in a vest to protect your neck and chest. Nough said.

Wooooooooooohoooooooooooo. You go Michael Joseph Jackson. I LOVE YOU so much.

Will you be there?

2005-06-03T00:03:00.000+02:00

In our darkest hour
In my deepest despair
Will you still care
Will you be there
In my trials
And my tribulations
Through our doubts
And frustrations
In my violence
In my turbulence
Through my fear
And my confessions
In my anguish and my pain
Through my joy and my sorrow
In the promise of another tomorrow
I'll never let you part
For you're always in my heart

Only four months to go....

2005-05-29T21:42:00.000+02:00

And I can't wait!!!!
So bloody sick of studying economics, so bored that i'm turning more and more boring by the day. I long for Paris, the city of love :p

Vive la Sorbonne!

Yeah it's still uni, but alsored wine, delicious food and loads of pain au chocolate's!!! Mmmmmmmm.
My exam is on June the 6th, i turned in my essay this Friday. Recommendation: do not take two fulltime courses at the same time, but oh fuck yeah, i did it! muhahaha @ all the people flunking exams to the left and right (nothing beats being mean....).
Then i'll work for 9 weeks, and then.... i'll pack up and move to Paris :D :D Hell yeah, I'm moooooooving!

And also, go Michael, go. I've got the champagne ready to go... In all the years, I've never loved you as much as I do now.

Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free

whutt whutt...

2005-04-24T22:20:00.000+02:00

what happened to my blooooooog? :( it be all weird looking, meh.

Baby be mine...

2005-04-23T19:29:00.000+02:00

I don’t need no dreams when I’m by your side
Every moment takes me to paradise
Darlin’, let me hold you
Warm you in my arms and melt your fears away
Show you all the magic that a perfect love can make
I need you night and day

So baby, be mine (baby you gotta be mine)
And girl I’ll give you all I got to give
So baby, be my girl (all the time)
And we can share this ecstasy
As long as we believe in love

I won’t give you reason to change your mind
(I guess it’s still you thrill me, baby, be mine)
You are all the future that I desire
Girl, I need to hold you
Share my feelings in the heat of love’s embrace
Show you all the passion burning in my heart
Today
It’s never gonna fade

So baby, be mine (baby you gotta be mine)
And girl I’ll give you all I got to give
So baby, be my girl (all the time)
You’re everything this world could be
The reason that I live

Won’t you stay with me until the mornin’ sun
I promise you now that the dawn will be different
Lady can’t you see that heaven’s just begun
It’s livin’ here inside our hearts

There’ll be no more mountains for us to climb
(I can’t be still you thrill me, baby, be mine)
This will be a love lasting for all time
Girl you got to hold me
We can touch the sky and light the darkest day
Hold me, only you and I can make sweet love this
Way
There’s no more I can say

So baby, be mine (baby you gotta be mine)
And girl I’ll give you all I got to give
So baby, be my girl (all the time)
You’re everything this world could be
The reason that I live

Baby be my girl
And girl I’ll give you all I got to give
So baby, be mine, baby, be mine
You’re everything this world could be to me

C’mon, girl, c’mon girl
So baby, be mine
You’re everything this world could be to me

Yes, please baby, please be mine... No more being apart, no more heartache. I want the togetherness to come back. You..... and..... me.

Things I want....

2005-04-08T13:42:00.000+02:00

sorry i cant do a "proper" entry, i dunno i just don't have much to say...

i do have some things i want tho', greedy as i am...

these are atleast feasible, and i did ask my mum to get them for me while in NYC, but no, she went to Gant (nice clothes there too) and bought a polo. In size small. For men. It's a tent! Actually it fits here but you can squeeze in two of me in it. Wheeeeee, what a way to spend 80 dollars! So, Aercrombie and Fitch it is, i reeeeeeally want those shirts *sigh*

And these:

I looooooove them, gimme gimme gimme! Tho I want them in brown-gold. But no, really shouldn't pay $2oo+ for a pair of sunglasses, eventho I really do need a good pair....

And finally, something completely unfeasible (they ain't available anymore , even if you could spend thousands and thousand...)

So, so gorgeous:

That'll be all.... :)

Pic of the week

2005-03-24T15:50:00.000+01:00

God I heart that whitehaired man. If a glance could kill.... (but *puke barf hurl*@ sneddass's balding head. Ewww). LOL, that's right, me too would be "get out of my way before I hurl all over ya you piece of shit" and "thanks for wasting my time asswipe!".

(I have to point out that Mr Mesereau (that be the whitehaired dude) didn't actually say what the pic says, or well, i don't think so..., it's edited).

Righteousness

2005-03-15T09:41:00.000+01:00

Who will rise up for me against the evildoers? Who will stand up for me against the workers of iniquity? They gather together against the life of the righteous, and condemn innocent blood. He has brought on them their own iniquity, and shall cut them off in their own wickedness.

Judgment will return to righteousness, And all the upright in heart will follow it.

How soon is now?

2005-03-11T19:10:00.000+01:00

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

There’s a club, if you’d like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry
And you want to die

When you say it’s gonna happen now
Well, when exactly do you mean ?
See, I’ve already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

So exhausted

2005-03-06T22:34:00.000+01:00

I think I'm gonna fall down dead any minute. I am sooooooooooo fucking tired.
Just came home from work, it was pretty quiet and non-eventful, so that was good. Before I started (at 15.30) I had to study and do some stuff for tomorrow, since it's my turn to talk infront of class (about equality and equity), and I'm still not finished, need to do some overheads...
Went up at 6 am yesterday, worked from 8 til 14, went home, wolfed down some food, studied for two hours, went to a restaurant with my mother and a friend of ours (that sounds like we're part of the mafia...), was done there at eight thirty. Mmmm, me loves Malaysian food. Went home, slept for an hour, got dressed, went out with my ex-bf, partied drank and danced. Took a cab home at 3 am, got home, fell asleep, got up at nine. And now I have to go and do my overheads. Waaahh. Need sleeeeeep, badly.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I'm starting to regret...

2005-03-04T20:24:00.000+01:00

starting posting at the mjni board again. man, some people on there really need Jesus in their life, and i'm an atheist! damn, stop speculating about him being anorexic, and stop going "these last days have been bad for michael what if he's going to lose", ffs, go out and take a walk, have a beer, smoke a cigarette. damn. It ain't fresh to speculate about other people's health, besides, just because you're skinny or even underweight it don't mean you're anorexic. Argh.

I think i'm gonna do just that, out, beer, smoke.

Good luck

2005-02-28T13:40:00.000+01:00

If i was religious I would probably say a prayer for Mr Jackson, but I'm not, so I'll just keep him in my thoughts. It feels good to know that the trial is about to properly start. It's time for the truth to be known and for innocence to prevail. Just hope that the faulty American judicial system holds up...

So, good luck to you Michael. The day your vindicated I'll buy pink champagne for my friends (except those who believe the worst) and blast your music over the neighbourhood.

Now, go get them....

Truth and quantity

2005-02-27T23:06:00.000+01:00

I love the way people say "oh I've heard it so many times, it must be true", or how about "well, look at all the people who've read/seen/listened to it, they can't all be wrong" (that's what people say when they claim that The DaVinci code is good...). Or even better, "there's no smoke without fire". It's not a bloody argument you fools. We've all believed in things that turn out to be wrong and false, suck it up and accept it, and for fuck's sake stop using arguments that are logically false. The truth is true no matter the amount of people who believe it, or the amount of time you've heard it. The truth prevails over people's lack of knowledge and foolishness, and that, is an eternal truth.

30 million germans couldn't possibly all be wrong could they? Uhhuh.

How stupid can one get?

2005-02-25T16:20:00.000+01:00

I've always disliked stupid people, but even I was surprised at the level of stupidity some people show. This is just laughable:

Feb. 25, 2005 - A woman who had suffered a massive heart attack died after hospital personnel moved her out of a trauma room to accommodate a flu-stricken Michael Jackson, the patient's family said.

Jury selection in Jackson's child molestation child had to be temporarily postponed Feb. 15 when the pop star was taken to Marian Medical Center in Santa Maria, Calif., complaining of flu-like symptoms. Manuela Gomez Ruiz, a 74-year-old grandmother, was moved from the primary trauma room and taken off the machine ventilator, with her breathing instead assisted manually by hand pump, until she was relocated to a smaller room nearby, her family told ABC News.

The larger room was kept for Jackson, the family says. Hospital records show Jackson, 46, told emergency room staff he had severe abdominal pain. His body temperature, 96.9 degrees, was below normal and he had tears in his eyes. The initial emergency room report said he could go home anytime.

There was no doubt Jackson was sick -- as a doctor assured the judge presiding over his trial -- but how sick? Anna Ruiz, Ruiz's daughter-in-law, says she watched as Jackson entered the emergency room.

"He walked in," she said. "When I saw him, he was walking unassisted."

Anna Ruiz was in the emergency room with her mother-in-law who was in the primary trauma room, attached to IVs and a ventilator.

"It's a large family and the mom is the heart of the family, " she said. Ruiz was a mother of eight, grandmother of 24 and great-grandmother of 26.

But Ruiz's heart was failing rapidly. She would have two more heart attacks before she died that day.

The family has hired an attorney to sue both the hospital and Jackson.

'They Shouldn't Have Treated Us Any Different'

Maria Elena Ortiz, the ailing woman's daughter, said she was in the room when Jackson came in. She was also present when her mother was moved and objected.

"Why does she have to be moved if he's coming in for a stomach flu?" Ortiz said. "I said, 'My mother just had a heart attack and I think it's more critical than a stomach flu.' They didn't say anything."

No one knows if moving Ruiz added to her trauma, but family members said they were told her heart was functioning at 30 percent and other organs were failing. But they say the chaos caused by Jackson's arrival distracted staff, and robbed them of precious time with their mother and grandmother as she died.

When Ruiz was moved to a smaller room, the family says equipment had to be crammed into the room. They also were limited to two visitors at a time. Once those visitors were in the room they could not leave and let other family members in because the hospital restricted movement in the hallways after Jackson arrived, the family says.

"This was the last time we might be able to talk with our grandma. They took that from us," said Marcos Meraz, one of Ruiz's grandsons.

Meraz said the hospital could have given Jackson privacy without imposing restrictions on Ruiz's family.

"They shouldn't have treated us any different," he said. "Close the door, keep him in the room, let us spend time with our grandma. We weren't there for him. We were there for my grandma."

Family Struggles With Funeral Costs

The family is adamant in saying that they have nothing against Michael Jackson. But Anna Ruiz believes that if someone with the flu can take precedence over someone with a heart attack, the hospital's policy "needs to be changed."

The hospital expressed its deepest sympathy to the Ruiz family for its loss. In a statement to ABC News, hospital officials said patient privacy laws prohibit any comment on patient care, but "we are confident, however, that our patients have and continue to receive high-quality compassionate and timely care."

Jackson's publicist, Raymone K. Bain, issued the following statement: "Michael Jackson sends his condolences to the family of the deceased. However, it is outrageous that Michael Jackson's name would be invoked into a situation of which he had no authority or control. It appears that ABC is deliberate in its attempt to circumvent Michael Jackson from receiving a fair trial."

In the meantime, the Ruiz family says it has struggled to find a way to pay for the funeral. Family members told ABC News they have had to take out a loan to pay for funeral costs. Reported by ABC News' Jim Avila on "Good Morning America."

Yeah, well. I'm flabbergasted, i mean, for fucks sake how stupid can you get??? Why not say right out that your ass is broke and you want some of Mr Jackson's money ("Family Struggles With Funeral Costs")? Blech. Besides, releasing information about a patient is a serious crime, so both the hospital and Mr Jackson can sue ABC and the leak. Me thinks the lawsuits are going to be in abundance once the trail is over, muahahaha.

And what sort of "newschannel" reports ish like this? It's beyond ridiculous. 200000 children die of pneumonia every month, why don't you write about that? Maybe that's Michael Jacksons fault too?

There should be a legal limit of stupidity and ignorance. Oh what the hell, let's all blame Michael Jackson for everything that happens. When in doubt, just blame Michael.

Well well, karma is a bitch... besides, if they're christians they should know that greed will lead them straight to that warm place - hell.

STFU

2005-02-21T17:10:00.000+01:00

The next time I as much as hear anyone breathe "Michael Jackson likes little boys" I'm going to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP at the top of my voice. Either that or puke on them, kill them, chop them up and mail them to their mama cause she's probably the only one who love their stupid ass. Pleeease, could someone send all the stupid people either a brain or a rifle, which don't matter to me. Or atleast be quiet with your ignorant ish.

It's weird (well, not really...) but I thought I would be able to keep all of this from getting to me, it's worked quite all right so far, but now I just feel like curling up on my bed and cry. That's what I did last night. I dug out one of my Michael dvds and I cried.

Damn this world, damn it all to hell.

Sorrow

2005-02-21T08:04:00.000+01:00

My beloved Hunter S. Thompson is dead.
He's one of my alltime favorite authors, and "personas", and now he is no more.

"A man must function in a pattern of his own choosing. For to let another man define your own goals is to give up one of the most meaningful aspects of life - The definitive act of will, which makes a man an individual. " ~ Hunter S Thompson

You will be so missed.

Unsure

2005-02-10T22:17:00.000+01:00

I feel so confused and lost. And I don't like it one bit.

Off to read Hunter. I heart Hunter.

Calculations, estimations, numbers in abundance

2005-02-03T09:29:00.000+01:00

Mmmm, yeah, I'm awake. Should get busy with my books, I'm just trying to uhm, postpone the inevitable. It's oh so boring, blah, this is seriously the most boring subject I've ever taken.

Does this seem like fun:

PEoD = (% Change in Quantity Demanded)/(% Change in Price)

No? Exactly. How about cost minimization and profit maximization in the short run vs the long run? I feel like poking my eyes out with a teaspoon. :(

Anyway, THIS is funny:

TOP 10 REASONS TO STUDY ECONOMICS
1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
4. You get to say "trickle down" with a straight face.
5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.
6. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.
7. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".
8. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.
9. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.
10. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.

An economist is someone who gets rich explaining others why they are poor.

LOL yes.

And this is probably funny for all students:
¨

Why God Never Received Tenure at the University
1. Because he had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no cited references.
4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
5. And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he often punished them, or just deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. He had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

That's it, off to the mines....

And that was that

2005-01-29T17:29:00.000+01:00

Back to square one. I got tired of waiting for him to get in touch (he probably never would've...), so I called. And got "dumped" or whatever you call it. Well, that wasn't so bad (no, really!). But listen to this:

He was afraid of me. (He said so himself)

Like boo-fucking-hoo. I've heard that one before, but I'm still curious. Am I too goodlooking? (he wasn't exactly Johnny Depp's long lost twin if I may put it like that...). Too smart? Too independent? Too intelligent? Too ambitious? What exactly is it about me that scare guys? Any further suggestions? :

And LMAO @ him saying that he thought we could meet again, but not a "date" but like friends instead. Well uhm, I've already got friends, I don't need you for that, besides, we haven't even kissed, so what are we if not "friends" :\ Narnar.

Wheeeheee, me loves tiny little boys. Especially sociallyretarded ones.

Pick up the phone...

2005-01-27T21:07:00.000+01:00

Come on, I know you can do it, just pick up the phone and punch my number, oh hell, i'll even settle for getting a txt-message.

Yeah, the date was good. Very good even. He was so sweet and kind, just a bit, well awkward, gawky, unexperienced. But we had a blast, and talked and laughed and had beer well into the night. Hope I didn't scare him off by being too intense or maybe even pushy, but I don't think I did too bad. I'm a bit rusty since I haven't been seeing anyone since my ex and I broke up, and well, he called! Not to say that he was a womanizer, but he knew the rules of the game and how to act (atleast sometimes....). This one was so different...

My mum and I made a bet. She thought that he's going to call before the weekend (that leaves him 24 hours), while I don't think so. The person who lose have to buy the other person dinner. I still hope he gets in touch...
Hmph.
If he still haven't called/txted on Wednesday I'll do it. Just because I can. Hah.

I should be so lucky....

2005-01-24T21:16:00.000+01:00

And I am! Wooooohoooo!
Me and my friend went out on Saturday, (we went here http://www.gotakallare.com/ ). We had a really totally amazing time, it was just so perfect....
And well yeah, I met a really cute guy (and made out with another one, but that doesn't count...), and guess what?????
We're going on a date tomorrow!!!!! God yes, I'm sooooo goooooood :D And so purdy, me be cute :D :D And he be really sweet too. Aaaahh, how lovely. Eight o clock tomorrow night. Mmmm. Beer. Mmmm. Cool guy. Ah yes, finally some luck!
Now I'll just see if i can get some work done before the West Wing starts....
Just 10.5 hours to go.... :D

My friend needs a (new) brain

2005-01-22T13:55:00.000+01:00

One of my best friends sucks so hard right now, some big fat juicy mooseballs (btw, Dee, remember that time?), aaaargh. I'm so angry at her, she's behaving like a right bitch. Blech. Well, the thing is that me, another friend and her are s'pposed to go out tonight, well, me and my other friend still will, but she says that she's too tired cuz she went out last night. LMAO, like we're 65, i think you're supposed to take being out partying two nights in a row when you're 22, and i know that she wasn't out til 5 am (she ALWAYS leaves at 1 am....).
She didn't even apologize.
Ah fuck it. Our third friend couldn't make it today, but she was free yesterday, but we went with today, and lo and behold - the cunt leaves us hanging. We could've gone out yesterday with the other friend!
When I once told her (hey, she asked!) that I had gone out partying with our other friends without her she got real pissy, and now she doesn't want to tag along after she's promised. Besides, she's about as much fun partying with as me mum, so I don't really get why I'm annoyed. Yeeehaw, I love immature 22-yrs old acting like they're 14. Fetch me a bucket so I can puke.

It's not such a huge deal, I know, but there's always something. And it just exacerbates my underlying disappointment of her. Like Paris, she doesn't want me to go, and i'm just like "excuse me?!?!", how fucking far is it to Paris, it takes 2 hours and costs 50 euros, that's NOTHING, besides, she's got money so that ain't even it. She's overly attached to her parents, doesn't have the guts to fly by herself (oooh oooh, i did that when i was 5!!), she even waits for them to move out of the house. Uh, it's the kids that are s'pposed to move out from their parents not the other way around??

And I love it how she says she will come see me in Paris. No, you won't. You didn't come see me when I lived in Gothenburg. Not once.

See. She's like a weird combo of a 14-year old and a 55 year old. Well, fuck her and the horse she rode in on.

Now I'm off to clean the apartment from top to bottom, to try to get rid of this angriness.

I did it!!!

2005-01-11T17:15:00.000+01:00

whooohoooo! I so did it, my essay is alright, it's passed, i did it, whhooohoooo, hahhaahaha, and so on and so forth. It's even in consideration for the highest mark, who woulda thought? I'm crossing my fingers, it would be a nice little bonus, that's for sure.
I've proven both for myself and everyone else that I can do it. Well, it's a firstlevel essay, but well, yeah, i kinda failed the last time...
the guy i acted as opponent on, he got a rest, so now he's got one more week of work. Hah, told you his essay sucked. :

Tomorrow I'm going to register at the department of economics, and that will be my last "beginners" course i take, then it's on to the BA and eventually the Master's *gulp*. Mmmhmm, first there's Paris, in September, lovely lovely.
And now I'm off to read The Economist, have dinner, watch a movie and sleep a loooooong long time. Night night ;)

Ps. This is for celebrating, some other day: Luxurious dining, n'est-ce pas?
:D :D :D

The final touch...

2005-01-11T11:08:00.000+01:00

I'm about to head for uni, it's time to act as opponent on an essay, and be subjected to the same lovely treatment. Ah well, atleast my essay is way better than the one i am about to uhm, eh, critizise. I feel like ripping the shit out of his darn essay, it's oh so crappy, he seems like a right lazy boy. Heeeheee, I'd love to be mean, but i'll just haveta try to resist that urge....

I'm so freaking tired, couldn't sleep last night, and i had an exam (russian history, urgh) last night. I think i failed, but since that was "overtime" and just well, bonuscredits, I ain't gonna do it again if i really do fail. I've never failed an exam so far, and that's in a lot of exams, so we'll keep hope up hmm?

Hmph. Well well, I'll go put on my new semi-jacket thing i bought. Put on makeup, fix hair, get my look going, i wanna look pretty if i'm getting fucked over, or well, fucking someone over. Muhahaha.

Don't get me wrong
I'm really not souped
Ego trips is not my thing
Everybody's talking all this stuff about me
Why don't they just let me live?
I don't need permission, make my own decisions
That's my prerogative

When words are not enough

2005-01-01T15:45:00.000+01:00

Love is patient and kind;
it is not jealous or conceited or proud;
love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable;
love does not keep a record of wrongs;
love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth.
Love never gives up;
and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.

Meanwhile these three remain;
faith, hope, and love;
and the greatest of these is love.

www.redcross.org

The 2004 Survey

2004-12-28T17:32:00.000+01:00

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Didn't make any resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not really.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.

5. What countries did you visit?
I didn't go anywhere, first time ever :(

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
Confidence.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Uhm, May 15, met to-be-(ex)bf for the first time. Dunno.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Keeping a job. Getting good grades at uni. Being relatively happy. Coping. Finding love.

9. What was your biggest failure?
That's a tough one. Losing love?

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing major. Some selfinflicted stuff.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Champagne?! :

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Except the obvious political candidates you mean?!? Some of my friends probably. My father's.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent, d'oh. Clothes... Laptop. Dinner/food and stuff. And boring things like electricity.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Johnny.... and my boyfriend. Always him.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
No idea. Lady in red *embarassed*

17. Compared to this time last year, are you...

i. happier or sadder?
Happier.

ii. thinner or fatter?
The same. A bit fatter.

iii. richer or poorer?
A bit poorer, in money atleast.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Partying. Reading books. Travelling (i did NONE! fuckityfuck).

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Hating myself. Doubting love and people and just everything. Less internet would've been good too i s'ppose.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Already spent. With mum and at work.

21. How will you be spending New Years?
With my friend at her place. Quiet (read: boring).

22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
Yeah, after many doubts, I did. Too late.

23. How many one night stands?
Eat shit. Not many on account of having bf.

24. What was your favourite TV program?
The West wing! Angels in America was last year right? That ruled anyway.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

26. What was the best book you read?
Difficult question this. Uhm, Fear and loathing in Las Vegas; On the road.
Saroyan's In the time of your life, that's not really a book tho'.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Rediscovered some old stuff, but nothing new really.

28. What did you want and get?
A boy.

29. What did you want and not get?
A boy :p Various unrealistic stuff.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Joooooohnny...
"Old": Dead man. And loads of others.
"New": Eternal sunshine...; 21 grams

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Had dinner and went out partying with some friends. I'm 22 now.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Je ne sais pas.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
Eclectic.

34. What kept you sane?
My mum.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Mr Johnny Depp.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Iraq i s'ppose. Stupid swedish political pigs.

37. Who did you miss?
Oh, uhm, i dunno? Friends I've lost touch with.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
My ex-boyfriend, he's fantastic (and we're still friends, wheehee).

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004.
That not all guys (and people in general) are out to hurt me, that I deserve being loved.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Out of every sorrow
Another day will dawn

Or maybe Radiohead's Creep, that always works.

So this is christmas....

2004-12-23T15:08:00.000+01:00

So this is Xmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Xmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong

And so happy Xmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Xmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Xmas

We hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very Merry Xmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

War is over, if you want it
War is over now

Happy Xmas

John Lennon... rest in peace

In the closet

2004-12-16T20:45:00.000+01:00

it's amazing all the shite you can find in your closet (and yeah, i'm procrastinating). seriously, where was my fashion sense??? And even worse, my grandmother, she bought (read: found in garbage bin) me the most disgustingly ugly négligé thing. Urgh.
Loads of it is the wrong size, luckily too large. Some things are just embarassing. And some things are TOO seethru', tacky.

And i really need to lose weight and sizes.
And more money. Mmmmm, clothes, mmmmm, shopping.

*drowning in clothes*

Either you...

2004-12-14T21:55:00.000+01:00

get me or you don't. But don't demand that I justify myself for you. I don't live my lives with apologies, it's my choices, and there ain't no need to justify nothing for you, thank you very much.
Don't act like you want to crawl under my skin to really get me, 'cause one, you're not welcome, and two, well, you still wouldn't understand me.

Where does this whole cult of "sorry that i am complicated, sorry that my life doesn't follow the standard formula" come from? This constant apologetic way people (mostly girls) come from? Is it just because i am finally taking the steps out of teenagehood into adulthood? Or is it because I finally listened to what I always said to other people, the constant "sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry"?

Who knows.

No explanations. No apologies. No justifications. Get me or don't. Stay or get out.

You can't start a fire without a spark

2004-12-09T20:53:00.000+01:00

I get up in the evening
And I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
Man I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby I could use a little help

You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark

Message keeps getting clearer
Radio's on and I'm moving 'round the place
I check my look in the mirror
I wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face
Man I ain't getting nowhere just living in a dump like this
There's something happening somewhere
Baby I just know that there is

You can't start a fire
You can't start a fire without a spark
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark

You sit around getting older
There's a joke here somewhere and it's on me
I'll shake this world off my shoulders
Come on baby the laugh's on me

Stay on the streets of this town
And they'll be carving you up all right
They say you gotta stay hungry
Hey baby I'm just about starving tonight
I'm dying for some action
I'm sick of sitting 'round here trying to write this book
I need a love reaction
Come on now baby gimme just one look

You can't start a fire sitting 'round crying over a broken heart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark
You can't start a fire worrying about your little world falling apart
This gun's for hire
Even if we're just dancing in the dark

(Springsteen - Born in the USA - Dancing in the dark)

Fancy dress huh?!

2004-12-05T23:27:00.000+01:00

Me's got one of this, bought it the other day. No.... more.... shopping..... for me, atleast til' New Years sale (27 december....). But this dress, man oh man, it's much to gorgeous to pass up. And it fits me like a glove. Seeeeeeexy. And yeah *cough* Karl Lagerfeld...

Clickie here!!!!

and you shall see. It doesn't look anywhere near as lovely on a hanger as it does on the human (read: my) body. Nice how people originally bought them for half the price they go for on E-bay. (it was a bit more than 80 euros). Mine ain't a size 10 tho', i think i take a size 8 or 6 : (European 36 or 38). Me wanna be a size 34...

mmm, i love my dress. It's so worth not affording more shopping this month. I've burnt 300 euros on clothes the last month. I.... love..... it.

Simplicity

2004-12-05T19:06:00.000+01:00

Today's been a good day. Enjoying the simple things, getting out and about. First I went to Stockholm's school of design where they had a sort of x-mas market, with loads and loads of lovely handmade stuff, everything from earrings to bags and paintings. A bit to much people for it to be really enjoyable, but anyway. Then we went back into the city and to a fancy restaurant (have dined there, it's fab) where they had a small exhibition. We got there right before 4 pm when it closed, so that was a forced quickie.
After that we went to an Italian restaurant for an early dinner (I didn't have any lunch, didn't get up till 10.30...).
Mmmm, Chablis. Lovely, amazing, fantastic wine. Homemade pasta and devine wine, is there anything better? Partly I can thank my ex for that, he thought me to love "proper" champagne(e.g. Moet&Chandon), expensive food, Stockholm's best restaurants, la dolce vita. You know. You only live once, so you better try to enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Oh, and I've stopped smoking. It's been 3 weeks, and i've only had 5 cigarettes during that time (hey, i broke up with my love, i was entitled to smoke!). It's starting to feel real good. Disgusting habit, eventho' i miss it from time to time.

Au revoir.

Exam-time...

2004-12-04T10:47:00.000+01:00

I'm ready, bring it on. It's lovely having an exam on a Saturday afternoon, but oh well. One other time it was on a Friday evening (18-22). It's the last one for this term so that's good. And i've read everything and i've revised everything and I've slept a good nine hours sleep. So.... shall be very nice when it's over. Then there's beer to drink....

Mmmm, they're playing Justin's Like I love you on MTV. It is so teasingly made... a gorgeous song. And Justin ain't that ugly either... I like his dancing but it looks like he's using his brain. Good dancing doesn't come from the brain, it's from the heart...

I watched Pirates of the carribean last night, haven't seen it in about two months so i thought it would be a good way to unwind... He's sooooo gorgeous. Johnny. Mmmmmm. I love that film, but i kinda wish they wouldn't make sequels, or well, atleast that Johnny wouldn't sign up. I mean, POTC #3 anyone??? :

What have we done?

2004-11-27T16:34:00.000+01:00

Ooops seems like a good word right about now.
Crap, i knew this would happen. I feel like ripping my hair out. Aaaaarrrgh.
Why didn't i realise that i love him back when we were together? Not that it would've changed anything, but still. Why am i such a stupid fucking cunt? What am I gonna do? The moment he walked in my door I just knew, there was that weird mix of regret, happiness and sadness once again. Couldn't I just handed him his clothes that he came to pick up and then shut the door in his beautiful face?
It's like being a teenager all over again, whoo-fuckin-hoo.
But it was so much fun to see him again, to hold him again, everything. I love having dinner with him, I love kissing him, I love watching (read:drooling) over Johnny with him, I love sleeping with him. We're a perfect match and yet it doesn't work.

This can never happen again and I feel sooooo sad 'cause that probably means we should never meet again and I just don't how that will happen. I've got no luck whatsoever, except for all the time we had together. If we do meet again, i know we will both hurt even more afterwards, especially him, and i don't want that for him. He's never hurt me, he doesn't deserve getting hurt by little stupid moi.

Please excuse me while I go and kill myself :(

Yes we gave it a try
But maybe for too long
Out of every sorrow
Another day will dawn

You're gonna find someone new
I really hope you do
'Cause I love you
And the sun will come on thru,
It's gonna shine for you
'Cause I adore you

And the road travels on
But I'm still near you
In my life, like a song
I will still hear you
Still

Guess who's coming for dinner...

2004-11-26T14:37:00.000+01:00

(fab movie btw! mr poitier and mrs hepburn...)

my ex-bf, that's who. i'm so nervous, that's a first! i miss him, i want to see him, but uhm, at the same time, i don't want to, i fear what's going to happen. like snogging, shagging. we shouldn't start that whole back-and-forth circus, it stinks 17 years old. urgh, besides, it hurts even more. waaaaahhh i want him.

crap.

You don't know what you've got til it's gone

2004-11-22T14:29:00.000+01:00

why do i miss him so much? it hurts like mad, i know it'll get all better again, but when, oh when??
and how on earth am i ever gonna find someone new when i know that they won't compare. objectively speaking they won't even get close. we were perfect, so i blame the whole world for making sure we became incompatible. when we talk on the phone it's like we're both trying not to speak, not to cry, not to blurt "please come back". i know he cries, i know he's missing me and he knows i know. we're both miserable, how neat. well, i guess it's better to hurt now after half a year than later when the hurt will be so much heavier. just want hold him one more time, talk to him, stroke his hair, kiss his lips... but no. life's a bitch.

No regrets
But I wish that you
Were here with me
Well then there's hope yet
I can see your face
In our secret place
You're not just a memory
Say goodbye to yesterday
Those are words I'll never say

This used to be our playground
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
I wish you were standing here with me

I want you to notice when I'm not around...

2004-11-15T23:27:00.000+01:00

When you were here before, couldn't look you in the eye.
You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry.
You float like a feather.
In a beautiful world.
I wish I was special.
You're so fucking special.

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts.
I wanna have control.
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice when I'm not around.
You're so fucking special.
I wish I was special.

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

She's running out again.
She's running out, she's run, run, run, run...run...

Whatever makes you happy.
Whatever you want.
You're so fucking special.
I wish I was special.
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

I don't belong here.

Back to singlehood

2004-11-12T13:09:00.000+01:00

I'm single since 16 hours. Should I be happy? I'm not. It was fairly mutual tho', we decided that it's for the best of both of us. Eventho' he was willing to try again, and I, well, wasn't really.
6 months. And now it's over. I'm sure we'll meet again, if nothing else I'm sure he'll come to Paris to see me next year (he'll go there sooner or later anyway).

On a different note, I've just returned from H&M and their new Karl Lagerfeld collection. I have NEVER ever experienced a manic like that (except for Michael Jacksons insane fans). There was sooooo much people, the entire street outside the stores were packed. Urgh. Anyways, I managed to find a nice black silk top, a long shirt, and a ring. All the things sold out in 45 minutes time... wheeeeeheee. Apparently they're filling up with new things right about now, but I couldn't be arsed to wait, besides, I've spent enough money with todays and yesterdays shopping. I bought a lovely dark green edora (a hat stupid!) and a couple of earings yesterday. mmm, retail therapy.

Work this weekend, studying, meeting father and loads of other annoying people for lunch (at 3 pm straight from work!) on Sunday. Urgh @ father. Apparently it's father's day here on Sunday but I don't give a damn, he ain't getting nothing from me. Hah.

I hate guys

2004-11-10T19:25:00.000+01:00

Arguing arguing arguing. Blaha blaha blaha. Yada yada yada.
Insults, innuendo.
Anger and sadness.
Mostly anger.
Nothing lasts.
I never want what I get.
I never get what I want.
I never know what I want.
I never know what I've got.
He doesn't get how I feel.
He's too much.
He's too good.
He's too much of a pain in the ass.
He's a spoiled daddy's boy.
We hurt eachother.
It's all a web of lies.
Misunderstandings.
Fear.
Loathing.

And, am I a slut for eyeing, and thinking of, someone else? 'Cause I am, I don't know if I stand a chance with that guy, but I might give it a try, I would like to, I just might try. You never know.

Who wants to be a millionaire?

2004-11-06T17:27:00.000+01:00

I sure as hell wouldn't mind. A decent amount of money, but not so much that it becomes a problem (read: getting letters from people begging). Clothes. Clothes. Clothes, beautiful, fantastic, marvellous clothes, that's my current obsession and dream (not to mention Johnny Depp... *drool*).
There's the most gorgeous duffel coat at Burberry that makes me come at the mere feel of that fabulous fabric. Multiple, oh yeah. I've got their classic trademark trenchcoat, well, it's my mum's old one, i don't have a spare 1000 euros, unfortunately and I got one of their scarves from me so-called bf... but that duffel, oh yeah... *sigh*

The Lagerfeld line at H&M (such an oxymoron, no?) is arriving on Friday if anyone have missed that. So that will be my date for 10 a.m. sharp. Black, white, black... it's neat to see, but uhm, H&M - Karl Lagerfeld? Still not quite sure how much sense that makes, but oh well, will be interesting to say the least. Am already quite tempted by the coctail dress in the ads, it sure looks nice.... Expensive for that store, but still within my budget (might need to strecth it a bit to get all that i want & need). Like some more lovely C&K underwear:

http://heavenlycelebrities.com/Pics/kate_moss/images/kate1_jpg.jpg

mmm, look at her. see, johnny's got great taste, not just in movies, but in girls too.
Their bras are the only ones i really really like. They're like air, can't feel them on, and they look pretty on my floor too...

Mmmmm, me wants retail therapy.

How do you do the things that you do?

2004-10-28T13:06:00.000+02:00

"How Do You Do!"

I see you comb your hair
and gimme that grin
It's making me spin now,
spinnin' within
Before I melt like snow,
I say Hello
How do you do!

I love the way you undress now.
Baby begin.
Do your caress, honey, my heart's in a mess.
I love your blue-eyed voice,
like Tiny Tim shines thru.
How do you do!

Well, here we are crackin' jokes in the corner of our mouths
and I feel like I'm laughing in a dream.
If I was young I could wait outside your school
cause your face is like the cover of a magazine.

How do you do,
do you do,
the things that you do.
No one I know could ever keep up with you.
How do you do!
Did it ever make sense to you to say Bye
Bye Bye?

I see you in that chair with perfect skin.
Well, how have you been, baby, livin' in sin?
Hey, I gotta know,
did you say Hello
How do you do?

Well, here we are spending time in the louder part of town
and it feels like everything's surreal.
When I get old I will wait outside your house
cause your hands have got the power meant to heal.

How do you do...

My back hurts

2004-10-26T13:03:00.000+02:00

...I hate that. And I hate my fucking body for making sure I get the period at any inconvinient time, blah. Should try getting a shot of contraceptives - no period at all, yay @ the freedom.
Anyways, am working on the assignement for political science, wheehee, fun fun fun.... It's going okay tho', I have everything I need and more. There's gonna be one helluva lot of cutting and pasting crtl-c, ctrl-x...

I got the highest score on the last course, I was one out of 12, and 60 people got the score below (there are only two scores, and Failed). 20 people failed. Suuuuuuckers. :p
I so rule.

I'm still not-single, I just can't be arsed. He's not happy with me, but uhm well, I dunno what to do about that, or anything else for that matter. We're not married, if you don't like me just let go! Meh. I'm meeting him tomorrow. Tomorrow is my birthday. 22 freaking years.

Success

2004-10-24T14:38:00.000+02:00

Greatness is a rarefied air one must be taught to breathe...

Leave your doubts behind?

2004-10-23T18:54:00.000+02:00

I rather leave people than get left behind, but what do one do when the other person won't give up? Is there still hope for us? Can I change myself and get ready to be everything he wants me to be? Is there enough of a common ground?
When it all ends I will still remember him with nothing but fond memories. If I can get a guy like that then there must surely be hope for the future....

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song
I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may...

Eagerly awaiting...

2004-10-18T21:17:00.000+02:00

...the return of "the West Wing"!!!! I can't wait, only 40 minutes to go. Oh yes baby, they're back. It's been a looooong summer without it, but now it's 22 weeks of bliss.
It's elitist. Elitist is good.
Ignore the stupid fucks who don't understand and who can't follow their tempo. Stupid people suck.

Anyone want to switch with me?

2004-10-18T11:15:00.000+02:00

"Political opposition and democratic transitions in Nigeria" anyone? Yesterday it was about civil society organizations in South Africa. Fascinating, absolutely fabulous.

Btw, why are the dates and times all screwed up here? I tried to fix it, but to no avail, I feel like a computer illiterate...

Must get back to the books. They're playing Modern Talking on the radio, this will be a woooonderful day. And tonight I'm going to the Russian Church with my uni class. Why oh why did I decide to take on an extra course? Like full time isn't enough...

The inevitable

2004-10-17T23:27:00.000+02:00

I'm going to break his heart, I don't want to, but I will.

Complicated

2004-10-17T21:34:00.000+02:00

why does everything have to be so complicated?
Why can't I love him like he loves me?
Why cant our lives be more compatible?

He's pretty much perfect. Welleducated, smart, a good job, a nice apartment, good looking, funny, sweet, style, grace. He knows how to appreciate me, spoil me, treat me. He's more wellmannered than anyone I've ever met. He's mature, a couple of years older, he knows how to take care of himself. He doesn't need me (i HATE needy people!) but instead wants me in his life.

And he's got money to boot (as in loads and loads and loads). That's one of the problems. Our lives doesn't fit. I know we don't choose our parents and the way of life we get thrust into, but I can't help feeling displaced.

Being with him is like being on vacation. It's wonderful in every concievable way. It's never boring, we're never boring. It's fancy dinners in the most expensive restaurants, it's like a whole new world opening. It's pizza on his livingroom couch. It's delicious wine. It's cold beers. It's picnic in the park. It's making out, making love, kissing, hugging. It's been laughter, joy, and tears and arguments, so far we've worked it out. Vacations are fantastic, but where's reality? Where is everyday life? Could I get used to living with him, a part of the rich and high and famous? Do I want to?

It's been 5 months of being together. The longest I've felt this much by any measures.

He loves me, I like him, loads and loads. And i care so much about him and what happens to him, but love? Not really. I wish I was, for once in my life I wish I was in love, how ironic, me, the queen of unrequited love. He sees a future in me, I see problems. I wish everything was easier. I wish he had a different last name. I wish I could feel the same way he does. I wish I wasn't scared, anxious and frightened. I wish I had better selfconfidence.

It's going to be hard letting him go. I know what I'm letting go of and I know that I will hurt him. But I also know that we will meet again. Somewhere somehow, I will meet my malecat again. That's what he's like, a male cat, so full of natural confidence and grace.

Everything has a beginning

2004-10-17T02:07:00.000+02:00

and so has this blog. welcome, come as you are, I'm here to entertain you.

I sorta miss this, we'll see how long this lasts. Before i tire of it i mean. This time I won't tell my "realworld" friends about this blog. I want to keep the two spheres as seperate as possible (read: I don't want any of my nosey friends to find me here).

My life is so different from the last time I kept one of these online diary thingies. In fact, it's hard to imagine i'm the same person. In ways I guess i am different. And so I'm sitting here with my laptop in my knee, ready to spill my guts out (atleast partially).

So, what am i doing these days? Well, I'm a student, second term of political science. I really like it, atleast as of this moment. I work parttime at a nursinghome. And yeah, I'm someone's girlfriend. Someone male, who in fact I'm meeting in a short while to go out and have fancy dinner, have drinks, go home to his place, lie on his bed staring in to his eyes, making love, falling asleep (we're using the fact that i got the highest mark on my last exam as an excuse, but hey, we do this all the time, heh).
Anyways, consider yourselves updated. Gotta go and make myself look pwetty...